Saturday, July 19, 2008

Beautiful Code: False Optimizations

This post is from the Beautiful Code series.

One of the first concepts that jumped out at me from Beautiful Code concerned false optimizations—that is, something added to the code which should have been an optimization, but as it turns out, actually causes the code to run slower.

As an example, we’ll look at some code that implements a binary search, from a chapter written by Tim Bray:

package Binary;

public class Finder {
public static int find(String[] keys, String target) {
int high = keys.length;
int low = -1;
while (high - low > 1) {
int probe = (low + high) >>> 1;
if (keys[probe].compareTo(target) > 0)
high = probe;
else
low = probe;
}
if (low == -1 || keys[low].compareTo(target) != 0)
return -1;
else
return low;
}
}
As mentioned, this function simply searches through some strings, using the binary search algorithm, and sees if there is a match. I just quickly read through the code, and didn’t realize—until Bray pointed it out—that there is no explicit check within the loop to see if the match has been made. One would expect him to add that in, as an optimization, so that when the target is found, the loop could exit, and not bother continuing with its checks. But as it turns out, that would be a false optimization; mathematically, the match is likely to be found late enough in the loop that the extra if statements during every execution of the loop would be more of a performance hit than simply letting the loop execute a few more times. Or, as Tim puts it:

Some look at my binary-search algorithm and ask why the loop always runs to the end without checking whether it’s found the target. In fact, this is the correct behavior; the math is beyond the scope of this chapter, but with a little work, you should be able to get an intuitive feeling for it—and this is the kind of intuition I’ve observed in some of the great programmers I’ve worked with.

Let’s think about the progress of the loop. Suppose you have n elements in the array, where n is some really large number. The chance of finding the target the first time through is 1/n, a really small number. The next iteration (after you divide the search set in half) is 1/(n/2)—still small—and so on. In fact, the chance of hitting the target becomes significant only when you’re down to 10 or 20 elements, which is to say maybe the last four times through the loop. And in the case where the search fails (which is common in many applications), those extra tests are pure overhead.

You could do the math to figure out when the probability of hitting the target approaches 50 percent, but qualitatively, ask yourself: does it make sense to add extra complexity to each step of an 0(log2 N) algorithm when the chances are it will only save a small number of steps at the end?

The take-away lesson is that binary search, done properly, is a two-step process. First, write an efficient loop that positions your low and high bounds properly, then add a simple check to see whether you hit or missed.

Let’s look at another example. This is a snippet of code from Elliotte Rusty Harold, from XOM, used in verifying XML documents. After verifying an XML namespace (which is a URI), it is cached; when a namespace is encountered, the parser can look in the cache, to see if it has already been verified, and, if so, not bother verifying it again. This class is the cache Elliotte uses.
private final static class URICache {

private final static int LOAD = 6;
private String[] cache = new String[LOAD];
private int position = 0;

synchronized boolean contains(String s) {

for (int i = 0; i < LOAD; i++) {
// Here I'm assuming the namespace URIs are interned.
// This is commonly but not always true. This won't
// break if they haven't been. Using equals() instead
// of == is faster when the namespace URIs haven't been
// interned but slower if they have.
if (s == cache[i]) {
return true;
}
}
return false;
}

synchronized void put(String s) {
cache[position] = s;
position++;
if (position == LOAD) position = 0;
}
}
This code is fairly simple. It’s a helper class used to maintain a list of namespace URIs that have been captured, and a method which will tell you if a URI is in the list or not. The surprising thing is that the helper class uses a static array, with exactly six items, and if you try to add a seventh, it simply overwrites the first one (and so on). Why not use a hash map, or a table? Something dynamic, which could grow as large as necessary? Why a statically-sized array?

Again, the answer is simple performance, because Elliotte Rusty Harold has seen enough XML documents to know that rarely will any document have more than six namespaces defined in it. So by using a statically-sized array, instead of something more dynamic, he gets a boost in performance in the majority of cases. In the case where a document does have more than six namespace URIs, validation will simply take a little longer for that document, because some namespace URIs may have to be verified twice. (If the parser comes across a URI which has already been verified, but has been overwritten in the cache, then it would have to be re-verified. Of course, if the URI hasn’t been overwritten, it still won’t have to be re-verified.)

This was counter-intuitive for me, at first; it seems like the “Right Thing” would be to always make the size of your list dynamic, to deal with as many elements as are necessary. In fact, at first glance, it almost seems like a rookie developer’s mistake, to use a statically-sized list. But in this case, it was done on purpose, and for very good reason.

So again, he’s not doing something that he doesn’t have to do, even though, at first glance, it would seem like an optimization. Without thinking about it, I’d have made the size of the array dynamic, so that I’d never have to verify a URI that had already been verified, but Elliotte thought more deeply about it, and realized that making the code more complex in that manner would not have been an improvement. And he’s right; that array will be accessed much more often than it’s added to, so he was able to optimize for the majority of cases, with a small potential performance hit in the minority of cases.

Beautiful Code

As mentioned on the serna Book Blog, I recently read Beautiful Code, written by… well, written by a whole bunch of programmers who are smarter than I am. (Or better programmers, anyway.)

So I have devoted a series of posts to some of the concepts in the book that I found the most interesting. Here are the posts I included in this “series”:

And I’ll finish off with a quote from Brian Hayes, that I found especially poignant—and described my reaction to many of the concepts I read in this book:

In cartoons, the moment of discovery is depicted as a light bulb turning on in a thought bubble. In my experience, that sudden flash of understanding feels more like being thumped in the back of the head with a two-by-four. When you wake up afterwards, you’ve learned something, but by then your new insight is so blindingly obvious that you can’t quite believe you didn’t know it all along. After a few days more, you begin to suspect that maybe you did know it; you must have known it; you just needed reminding. And when you pass the discovery along to the next person, you’ll begin, “As everyone knows….”

Monday, July 14, 2008

Camping

Hmm, how long has it been since I posted? Really? That long? Ouch. I’ve been remiss. Me me.

I went “camping” this past weekend. There’s not much to say about it, but here are the highlights:

  • I’ve probably lost weight, because of the amount of blood removed from my body by mosquitos.
  • I got to know my god daughter Alexis a bit better. Which was nice, because I don’t get to see her that often.
  • I sat on a bag of chips.
And that’s about it. I had a very nice, pleasant weekend, but Andrea should be glad she didn’t come; it wasn’t real camping, but it still would have been torture for her.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Karma?

I was glancing at my Ubuntu wiki this morning, and noticed a little icon next to my Wikidot “avatar” (which is part of my profile) that looks like some kind of rating. I clicked it, and found out that my “karma” is very high for some reason.

karma

So I wanted to know what this “karma” thing is. It turns out that Wikidot has started calculating this karma thing based on your activity on the site. According to their explanation page, ways you can raise your karma are:
  • Creating (and editing) a wiki, which I have done
  • Participating in forums, which I have not done
  • Participating in “community portals” (whatever they are), which I have not done
  • Being a wiki admin, which I have done—but it’s part and parcel of having created a wiki
  • Inviting others to join Wikidot, which I have not done
  • Having contacts and friends on Wikidot, which I have not done
  • Using AdSense on a wiki, which I have not done (although I did briefly toy with the idea)
So, of all of the ways one can raise one’s karma, all I’ve done is create and maintain a wiki, and yet they say my karma is very high. So one of three things is happening:
  1. I’ve done a lot of work on my wiki—so much so that my karma has gone through the roof
  2. There are few active wikis on Wikidot, meaning that my wiki seems more active by comparison. And keep in mind that I don’t maintain my wiki on a regular basis, so the other wikis would have to be very dormant.
  3. Wikidot calculates karma incorrectly, and is giving me more karma than I actually deserve

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Back from vacation

As the title of this post mentions, I’m back from my vacation. It wasn’t too exciting, but it was a rest from work, which was sorely needed. Here are some highlights—actually, not even “some” highlights, this is pretty much everything that happened:

I started off with a quick trip back home, to go out to lunch with my mom (to celebrate her birthday), and then to go to my god-daughter’s 2nd birthday party. Unfortunately, Andrea wasn’t able to make it with me, because she got roped into doing a bit of work, at the beginning of her vacation.

Later on we went to Niagra Falls for a night, but our timing was bad, so we left Toronto during rush hour traffic, and came back to Toronto in rush hour traffic, too. (Luckily, we were against the traffic for our return trip, so it wasn’t as bad.) We went to see the band A is A, who were playing at Fallsview Casino, but also to spend a night in Niagra Falls. Unfortunately, we forgot to bring the camera, so I wasn’t able to get any real good pictures of the falls. Just these two from my cell phone (which are almost identical, and were taken from a window in my hotel):

IMAGE_023

IMAGE_024

However, I also managed to get this picture, which blows the lid off the whole waterfall racket:

IMAGE_025

See? The waterfall is a scam! If you go to Niagra Falls, don’t bother wasting your film taking pictures. It’s all just special effects or something.

Our next trip was to the States, to visit Andrea’s relatives. This involved more driving—ten hours’ worth, including a bunch of driving during Toronto’s rush hour—but I don’t really mind driving, and it was beautiful scenery, so that wasn’t bad. And of course Andrea’s relatives are great cooks, so that makes for a great trip, too. Unfortunately, we forgot to bring the camera again, so I have no pictures.

After this, Andrea went to Montreal for the Jazz Festival, and I stayed home in Toronto. Unfortunately, I don’t sleep very well anymore, when Andrea’s not with me, so I didn’t catch up on my sleep, as I’d been hoping to.

Finally, when she got back from Montreal, we took another trip, to go back to my parents’ place again.

And that’s it. It wasn’t really a restful vacation, per se, but I enjoyed all of the individual things we did.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Movie Review: Balls of Fury

So far this weekend, I’d seen the new Indiana Jones movie, and Wanted. And then I got up Saturday morning, and wanted to kill some time doing something mindless, so I popped on TMN, and watched Balls of Fury.

Now, there is a big difference between Wanted and Balls of Fury. Sure, both are terrible, silly, bad movies. But Wanted is a terrible, silly, bad movie that people liked (according to its average rating on Google Movies). It’s bad, but bad in a way that you can watch it and really enjoy yourself. Balls of Fury, on the other hand, is just a terrible movie.

However, I have to admit—and I am ashamed of myself for this, believe me—that I was laughing all the way through Balls of Fury (which I will abbreviate to BoF for the remainder of this post). Why? Well, to start, it’s got Christopher Walken; that right there is enough to make any movie worth watching. Every time he spoke, I was rolling on the floor. It also had Maggie Q, and she was great too; I’ve only seen her in two movies so far (this and Live Free or Die Hard), but I loved her in both.

But it wasn’t just the actors/acting that had me laughing in BoF. It was the writing. There was something about it that just struck a chord with my particular sense of humour. I mean, sure, a lot of the jokes were pretty silly, but I don’t mind silly humour.

So I don’t recommend BoF. And I’m not planning to get it on DVD. And I’ll never, ever watch it with Andrea. But on this particular day, it made me laugh.

Movie Review: Wanted

I mentioned that Andrea’s out of town, and I had decided to take advantage of the situation by going to the movies, since she doesn’t really like going. But then I thought to myself: Why didn’t I take advantage of the situation fully? I mean, I went to the movies, sure, but I saw a movie that she’d probably like. I should have seen one that she’d never want to see.

So I did. I went back to the theatre, and saw Wanted, a movie that I knew she’d never want to see. Not that I would blame her; it’s pretty ridiculous. But I saw James McAvoy on The Daily Show this week, and Jon Stewart had said that the movie seems ridiculous, from the trailers, but that when he actually saw it, it was great, what with the action and all. So I figured what the heck, I’d give it a shot.

And I have to admit, it wasn’t bad. If—and that’s a big if—if you’re able to lose yourself into it, you’ll find yourself laughing at the action, chuckling at the poor choices in music, rolling your eyes at the plot, and just generally enjoying the movie altogether. Not that I’m recommending the movie, mind you; I’m just saying that I enjoyed it. It’s the type of movie that I’d see in the theatre, enjoy, decide to buy the DVD, wait for the DVD to come out, buy the DVD, realize on second viewing that I don’t enjoy it as much as I thought I did, and let it sit on the shelf for years, gathering dust. (And then, years later, Andrea, out of boredom with the movies we’ve seen, would decide that she wants to see it, even though I’d try and convince her that she’d hate it, but we’d watch it anyway, and she’d make fun of me for years about my poor taste in movies. Justifiably.)

On a side note, I’ve never really found Angelina Jolie all that attractive, but I thought she looked quite beautiful in this movie.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Movie Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Yeah, yeah, I know. I never review movies when they first come out, when my reviews might actually help someone. I review them when it’s too late, and everyone’s already seen them. Oh well. It’s who I am. No sense trying to change now. Since Andrea was out of the city for the weekend, I took the opportunity to go to the movies (something she doesn’t normally like to do). I went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, what with Harrison Ford being so old and all, but it was quite good. I would say on par with The Last Crusade, but I’m sure there are many who would disagree with me. It seems old fashioned to say this, but the movie is just good, clean, family fun. Lots of action and adventure, no over-the-top violence, no sex. (But it’s not boring, as that description might seem to make it out to be.)

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Vacation

I haven’t mentioned it yet, but I’m going on vacation for a couple of weeks. Which probably doesn’t mean anything for my blog readers; a couple of weeks without posting won’t be anything strange. (Assuming that I don’t post, of course. Who knows? We might take some interesting trips that I can write about.)

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Should I avoid Google, to be smart?

That’s a stupid title. I was just trying to come up with one that’s different from the title of the article I’m linking to.

I read an article today, Is Google Making Us Stupid? (by Nicholas Carr), which talks about the fact that our thought processes might be changing, because of the way that we use the internet. One of the things I took away from it is that I should keep making my blog posts long-winded and verbose, because it will help you battle the effects of the internet. (I doubt that would have been Carr’s intended outcome of the article…)

It’s definitely something to think about. We already know that people don’t read blog entries that are longer than a couple of paragraphs long; I’ve gotten that feedback—although it hasn’t changed my writing style at all—and other people have gotten similar feedback on their blogs, as well. I don’t think I’ve suffered the full effects of the internet-alization of the brain, though, because I can still sit down and read a lengthy book. Or even—gasp!—a lengthy blog entry.

But that doesn’t mean I disagree with Mr. Carr. In fact, I should warn you that if you click the link to his article, it’s a long read. Try and make yourself go through the whole thing. It can be your self-improvement exercise for the day.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Why Service Oriented Architecture Won’t Work in the Corporate Environment (redux)

I sent a colleague a link to a previous post, Why Service Oriented Architecture Won’t Work in the Corporate Environment.


E.S. says (11:45 AM):
i love your blog on SOA

E.S. says (11:45 AM):
Why Service Oriented Architecture Won't Work in the Corporate Environment

sernaferna says (11:45 AM):
hehe Did you read it, or do you just like the title?



E.S. says (11:45 AM):
i read it

E.S. says (11:45 AM):
not in full details but i read it

sernaferna says (11:45 AM):
LOL

sernaferna says (11:46 AM):
Yes, I get kind of long-winded sometimes.

E.S. says (11:46 AM):
its all an issue about having an "Enterprise" architecture

E.S. says (11:46 AM):
Orgs. are having a hard time about buuilding a real enterprise architecture

sernaferna says (11:46 AM):
Which most organizations DON'T have, even if they like to pretend that they do.

E.S. says (11:47 AM):
LLOL exactly

E.S. says (11:47 AM):
i snet your blog to a VP here

sernaferna says (11:47 AM):


sernaferna says (11:47 AM):
My blog will become a meme! lol

E.S. says (11:47 AM):
the vp in charge of Business solutions and SOA

E.S. says (11:48 AM):
i like your references to call centers and customer profiles

E.S. says (11:48 AM):
LOL

E.S. says (11:48 AM):


sernaferna says (11:48 AM):
lol Well, if I get an from him, telling me to mind my own business and stop badmouthing SOA, I'll know why.



E.S. says (11:48 AM):
LOL

sernaferna says (11:50 AM):
Do you mind if I post this conversation to my blog?

Monkey work

Further to my earlier post, I may not be able to find things to read during my few minutes of “down time” throughout the day, but I can use the internet to do mindless, repetitive tasks—a.k.a. “monkey work”—while on the phone.

I was able to modify all of my blogs to use the new blogroll feature while I was on a conference call today.

Blogroll

Not that it really matters, but I’ve changed the way that I list my other blogs, in my sidebar. Google has introduced a specific gadget for creating a blogroll. (Most people will use this to list other blogs that they link to, instead of narcissistically linking to their own, but hey, I’m not most people.)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Google Reader and the internet

I’ve mentioned before [probably] that if you want to follow my blog(s), you should probably get yourself some type of RSS “reader”, so that you can be notified when a new post appears. There’s little point coming back here every day to see what’s new when there’s a 90% chance that there won’t be anything. (There’s a 100% chance that even if there is, it won’t be worth your time, but technology can’t help with that problem. That’s just a matter of making poor choices in the blogs you follow.)

Lately, I’ve been using yet another Google product, as my RSS reader: Google Reader. And it’s pretty cool. When I log in, I get a list of all of the blogs (or other sites that have RSS feeds) that I’m watching, and can see at a glance which ones have new posts/items. I can read the posts right in Reader, or I can click the link to go to the blog’s site itself. If I want to, I can “star” an item, so that I can easily find it later, and I can even “share” items—with or without personal comments—and they’ll show up on a special public page, where people can see the posts that I’ve shared. (Which, itself, has an RSS feed, so people could in turn watch my “shared items” in their RSS reader.) I haven’t actually started using the “sharing” feature, though—except for one post from this blog, just to see what it looks like—so at the time of writing, there isn’t much to see at my shared items page. But still, I can definitely see the potential for that to be very cool. If I used it more often, I’d probably even put an RSS feed to my shared items in the sidebar at the side of this blog.

But here’s the issue, which is partially the reason I don’t use the sharing feature: There aren’t that many blogs that I follow. Most of the time when I go into Google Reader, I have the same experience as anyone who follows my blog: Nothing is there. So you’d think that I’d probably just go in once a day, first thing in the morning, and then leave it until the next day. But that’s not how I operate. Any time I have a couple of free minutes, I’m there, seeing the “no unread items” message.

I read a blog post today by someone who was mentioning the fact that the internet has the ability to waste a lot of his time, but I have the opposite problem: When I get a few free minutes at work, my first impulse is to go to the internet and read something, but when I go, there’s nothing to read! I get off a conference call, and have a few minutes to kill before my next one, so I whip out Google Reader, and find… nothing. (There’s even a handy Trends tool, that gives some cool statistics on the blogs I’m following, but that doesn’t do me much good either, when I’m not reading anything.)

So I foresee a future in which I spent a lot of time looking for blogs that I can put in my Google Reader list. Eventually, when I’ve got dozens and dozens, it will become more likely that there will be something to read any time I go into Google Reader. But that will cause other problems: I’ve noticed that I tend to get new items showing up in Reader in clusters; I may not find posts throughout the day, but if I look first thing in the morning, I’ll find a bunch. (Apparently most blog writers do their writing/posting at night, not throughout the day.) So when I get dozens and dozens of blogs added to Google Reader, I’ll also find dozens and dozens of posts showing up every morning—and probably still nothing (or very little) throughout the day!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Virus

I haven’t written in a while, and I had some very good reasons. Reasons that I won’t write about here because I haven’t made them up yet.

We got a virus on our computer at home, and it was a particularly nasty one. I was doing a deployment on Tuesday night, and Andrea called me around 9:00PM to tell me that we had it. When I got home at 12:30, she was still trying to get it off the computer; AVG wasn’t having any success. We were up until 1:30 trying to get it off, with no luck.

I was reading about it on the Internet. It’s some company that produces anti-virus software, and created this virus to drive people to them, to have it cleaned off. Every couple of minutes it would launch a browser, going to the company’s site; it changed Andrea’s desktop to some horrible red page, saying that our computer is infected, and to clean it we should “click here”; it created little icons in the taskbar, emulating Windows Security Centre, saying that our computer was infected with malware. Very intrusive. And all of the instructions I read didn’t work: I was told to remove a particular directory, but the directory didn’t exist; I was told to go to Task Manager, to shut down the process, but the virus disabled Task Manager; I was told to remove certain registry entries, but the virus disabled the registry editor(s).

We shut off the computer and went to bed, and then on Wednesday I got an email (and a phone call) from our ISP, telling us that one of our computers had been sending out a bunch of spam emails, meaning that we probably had a virus, and if we didn’t get the virus cleaned off within forty-eight hours, they’d shut down our service.

Finally I had to do the following:

  1. Reboot the computer in Safe Mode (without networking)
  2. Run AVG again. This time it was able to clean the virus, because in Safe Mode, the virus wasn’t active
  3. Do a System Restore, to fix the Windows DLLs that the virus had modified
That seems to have done the trick.

Luckily, I talked to the people at our ISP’s Tech Support, and they indicated that the emails our computer was trying to send didn’t actually get anywhere; the ISP caught them and stopped them. So it’s not like all the people in our address books got these emails. That would have been embarrassing.

My faith in AVG was starting to wane, when it couldn’t initially clean the virus off, but it was restored when AVG was able to do it in Safe Mode.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Exercise

I’ve started exercising again. Not real exercising, just push-ups and “crunches” in the morning, before I shower. I figure I’ll wait until I get into a little better shape, and then increase to something more substantial.

However, I’m finding that even the little tiny bit that I’m doing is already making me sore. I’ve done it two days in a row now, and my arms and my stomach muscles are… I wouldn’t say “hurting”, but I constantly feel them. (So I’ve really fallen out of shape from what I used to be able to do.)

We’ll see how long I keep it up, before I decide that an extra five minutes of sleep is more important than exercise, and I give it up.

Plain Ruffles

I was on the subway yesterday, on my way downtown, and I saw this sticker stuck to the seat in front of me:

ruffles
If you can’t read that (since my camera phone sucks), it says:

Mom bought plain Ruffles
I never understood that
So many flavours

Beginning XML on the shelf

It’s a great feeling to walk into a bookstore, and see your own book staring out at you from the shelf. Not just the spine, but the front cover—which means that my publisher has made a deal with the bookstore to display it that way.

the book on a shelf

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Indiana Jones

When I was younger, I really wanted a fedora, like the one that Indiana Jones wears. In fact, it was a great disappointment to me, when my family went to Disneyworld—specifically, Hollywood Studios—that I didn’t get a chance to look around for one I could buy. There is also a good chance that I decided to buy my leather jacket—which is brown—because of Indiana Jones.

It turns out that I’m not the only one who wants to dress like Indy.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Tired. So tired.

May has been a terrible month, at work. (And the remainder of the month will continue to be terrible.) I was talking with one of Andrea’s cousins the other day about the fact that both she and I are so tired, these days, that we have trouble falling asleep. Which explains why I haven’t been posting here; if I’m too tired to sleep, then I’m definitely too tired to blog. (And/or too busy.)

Uh… except for this post, of course.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Yeah, yeah, I’m not posting very often. Too bad. You can just read some other blogs, for a while.

So here we are, over a week since my last post. And nothing much has happened in between. Well, except for my birthday; that happened this week. But that wasn’t really a big deal, either; I didn’t go out or celebrate or anything. (I’m 34 now, and 34 isn’t really a magic number, for me. Maybe when I turn 40 I’ll celebrate more.)

But, in honour of my birthday, I thought I’d look back through my blog, and see what’s happened since my last birthday. Here are some of the highlights, of the last year:

And that’s about it. Other than the new car, nothing too big really happened this past year. We’ll have to see if my 34th year is more exciting than my 33rd year was…

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Roll up the Rim 2008

I forgot to write about it, but I guess it’s pretty safe to say that Roll up the Rim season is over for the year. I finished the year with seven winning cups, out of sixty-eight altogether. Five coffees, two donuts, and zero GPS systems. But wait—why am I writing that, when I can just link to the spreadsheet on Google Docs, and you can see for yourself?

I love technology…

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Obama, Ferraro, Wright: ‘Postracial’ Meets Racism

I read a very good article in The Nation this week, and I thought I’d link to it here. (This is a bit late, but I’m always a few weeks or months behind, behind when reading The Nation.)

My favourite quote, in reference to the Rev. Wright “scandal”:

For while Wright’s sermons clearly shocked many whites, to many blacks his sentiments were as banal an addition to the dinner table as hot sauce.
Andrea’s favourite quote: “White is the new black.”

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Nothing. Everything.

The good weather has arrived, and serna has been driving with his windows open. That’s good.

Roll up the Rim season seems to be over, or ending. That’s bad. If it is over, and I won’t have any more rims to roll up, then I ended the season at 10.29%. (I’ll post a summary post when I’m sure that it’s over.)

People are starting to ask me if I’m going to be doing anything for vacation this summer. That’s good.

I have no plans, and work is going to suck this summer. That’s bad.

Maybe Andrea and I will take some more light weekend trips. That’s… that’s neither good or bad. It’s sort of “meh”. I’d prefer to have a longer vacation, to allow myself to come down from too much work.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Anniversary—Part 2

As mentioned our anniversary—or rather, one of our anniversaries—was on Saturday. So how did we spend this momentous occasion? Well… not very gloriously.

  1. We slept in, a little bit, and then spent some time reading.
  2. We went out and distributed Bibles with our church in the early afternoon.
  3. We borrowed Andrea’s dad’s van, and brought some of Jehovah Shalom’s musical equipment to another church, since we’d be playing there on Sunday.
  4. We stopped at Home Depot to buy yard waste bags, and I got very distracted by the BBQs. I really want to get one, but will probably wait until the end of the season, so that I can get one more cheaply.
  5. We went home and spent a couple of hours filling up all of those yard waste bags, as well as a number of garbage bags, cleaning up all of the crap that tends to accumulate in our yard. (We live at the end of the street, and the wind tends to blow everyone else’s garbage into our yard.) We also removed a number of plants, because every time we clean the yard, we remove more and more. This would be the worst—and least anniversary-like—thing that we did to “celebrate” our anniversary.
  6. We decided that we would go out for dinner, even though we were tired from doing yard work. I asked Andrea if she wanted to go somewhere fancy or “regular”, and she said fancy. Which, I now realize, was a test, because Andrea never wants to go anywhere that’s expensive, so she didn’t really mean fancy. But luckily for me, I’m not a complete idiot, so I skipped the really expensive places. (I did some research on toronto.com and Toronto Life, and they both gave an approximate price range, so I skipped over the restaurants that indicated that you’d be spending $150–200 for two people.)
  7. We went to a place that I won’t name—because we didn’t like it—and had a terrible dinner. Mine was worse than hers; she got a club sandwich, which you can’t really screw up, but I got a greasy, over-cooked steak.
And that was that. Now that the weather is nice, maybe we’ll go out for dinner again sometime soon, and have a better time.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Anniversary

It’s my anniversary tomorrow. Andrea and I are celebrating ten years together; on April 19th, 1998, we began the relationship. I was talking to a colleague, and she said that she doesn’t even celebrate her “real” anniversary (i.e. her wedding anniversary), whereas I celebrate our wedding anniversary, the day the relationship began, and even the day that Andrea proposed.

Now, I realize that I’m not like other guys; I’m smarter and better looking. Ha! No, I kid. I’m not like other guys because I keep track of three anniversaries, whereas the cliché is that most guys can’t keep track of one. But there’s a good reason for that: When Andrea and I began our relationship—and then when we got married—I got into a relationship with a woman who’s better than me in every way. In the normal course of things, I could never get into a relationship with someone who’s so far above my league, and yet somehow I did. And we love each other, and have a good relationship.

So of course, I celebrate our anniversaries. I’ve spent a decade with someone I don’t deserve, and, if things continue as they have, I look forward to the next decade. (And if things don’t work out… I’m screwed. Being with Andrea has set the bar too high—how could I settle for any other woman?)

Excuse the grumbling. (Or just skip this post.)

Yeah, yeah, I know. (Insert standard boilerplate text here, about the fact that I haven’t written anything in a while.) It’s been a lousy couple of weeks. Or has it been a lousy month? At any rate, it’s been lousy. I’ve been drinking too much coffee, eating too little food, getting too little sleep, putting up with too much garbage at work, and just generally getting very run-down. (And it’ll probably get worse before it gets better.)

I just started blogging at the serna Bible Blog again, after an absence, and hopefully I’ll keep that up. I haven’t written anything on the Book Blog in a while, because I haven’t finished reading a book in a while. (I’m currently reading two—one fiction and one non-fiction—and they’re both pretty terrible, which might be why it’s taking me so long to finish them.)

Some updates, about things I have written lately:

  • As it turns out, I have to bring back my new shirt, so, even though I didn’t like it, it all worked out in the end. When I got home from work and took it off, one of the buttons popped off. Now, I’m not the type of person who would return a shirt just because it lost a button, but when it comes off the very first time you wear it, it doesn’t bode well for the quality of the construction.
  • I’ve started using the Stuff White People Like site to calculate how white I am. It’s the most un-scientific use of number and statistics that I’ve ever undertaken, so I’m pretty proud of myself. (Also, it’s giving me a chance to use Google Docs some more.)

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

New Shirt

I bought some new clothes for work, recently, including a bunch of dress shirts. I had to get a black one, because for me, that’s standard, but instead of a plain one, I got one with pinstripes. I wasn’t sure if I liked pinstripes or not, but I thought I’d try something new. Then, when I got home, I realized that it also has French cuffs.

Today is the first day I’m actually wearing it, and I’m definitely having second thoughts. The combination of the pinstripes and the French cuffs makes me feel like a British gangster. If only the collar and cuffs were white, it would complete the picture.

Stuff White People Like

I don’t normally link to sites that I like—especially because I tend to tire of them so quickly—but I’ll make an exception, and give a shout out to Stuff White People Like. If I had a “blogroll” of some kind, I would add this site to it.

Of course, the site is only devoted to a certain type of white person—I would say the urban professional white person—but if you know anyone who fits that category, then you’ll get endless hours of amusement from this site. And, if you are that type of white person, then you’ll probably have endless hours of entertainment in addition to the occasional uncomfortableness, when something hits a little too close to home. (For example, #82 Hating Corporations.)

Actually, I shouldn’t be so quick to assume that you’ll love the site. There are plenty of negative comments throughout, from people who don’t, so that probably indicates that there are people who don’t and won’t find this nearly as funny as I do.

Dealing With Stress

Suppose you’re having a lousy week. (Oh, let’s be honest: a couple of lousy weeks.) You’d like to put it all behind you, and spend an enjoyable evening. How do you do that? I have the solution! Follow the simple steps below, and you’ll be fine.

  1. Control the weather. These steps will only work if it’s a nice warm evening.
  2. Make plans to meet with Andrea after work, for dinner. (For best effect, it really has to be Andrea that you’re meeting with. Results not guaranteed if you’re meeting someone else.)
  3. On the way to the meeting, have your car windows open (see point 1 above), and have DJ Shadow playing on the CD player.
  4. Meet Andrea in the Yonge and Eglinton area of Toronto.
  5. Wander up and down Yonge St. for a bit, trying to decide where to eat. (See point 1 above.)
  6. Choose a Thai/Vietnamese restaurant, and go in.
    • Note: If you’re following these steps carefully, it doesn’t matter if there are two loud, obnoxious, über-yuppie women sitting behind you, having a conversation so high in volume that you can hardly have your own. It won’t have any negative effects on the evening.
  7. Order the mango chicken, and a Sleeman Cream Ale. (Alternatively, you can order some kind of pho—I think it was the dumpling pho—which Andrea has indicated is also very good. However, you may need to choose a different beverage, as the Sleeman Cream Ale wasn’t tested against the pho.)
  8. Since the Yonge and Eglinton area is pretty yuppy-ish, spend much of your meal watching yuppies walk by, out the window.
And that’s all you have to do. You will have a wonderful evening, forget your stresses and aggravations, and enjoy yourself.

Of course, you’ll have to go back to work the next day, and it will all hit you again. This is only a temporary reprieve for your problems, not a cure.

Monday, April 07, 2008

How serna Saved 3¢ On His Coffee

  • How serna Saved 3¢ On His Coffee
  • By sernaferna
  • Starring:
  • sernaferna
  • The Woman Who Runs the Till at Tim Horton’s
  • INT: Tim Horton’s. serna has purchased a medium double-double, and is poised to pay for it.
  • The Woman Who Runs the Till
  • $1.23, please.
  • serna
  • Oh, wasn’t the price supposed to go up today?
  • The Woman Who Runs the Till
  • Yeah, but I haven’t updated the cash register yet.
  • serna
  • Cool.
  • The End. Roll Credits.
Unfortunately, I had to pay full price this afternoon. A medium coffee is now $1.28. (I’m not complaining or anything—I can afford it.)

I wish I had things to write. But I don’t.

Once again, my blog has gone dormant. As have all of the blogs around me.

I loved Christopher Walken on Saturday Night Live. I always do. Something about his delivery makes for great, quirky comedy—and makes me wonder how he became an actor in the first place.

I had a dream last night that I rolled up my rim, and won a year’s supply of coffee, which equated to something ridiculous like 239,452 coffees. (Yes, it actually said that on the rim. I don’t remember the actual number, but it was huge, and it was precise.) I’m a nerd for two reasons:

  1. I had a dream about rolling up a Tim Horton’s coffee rim, and winning. (Simpsons paraphrase: “Which is odd because I usually dream about naked… Andrea.”)
  2. I spent a good portion of the dream trying to figure out how they came out to such a precise number. (And there’s no good answer. It’s just a dream. Assuming that I drink ten coffees a week—which is what I drink, on average—239,452 coffees would last me over four hundred and sixty years. Whatever the real number was, in the dream, would have still lasted me a long, long time.)
Work is lousy these days, but I won’t say any more than that. In fact, I’ve already said too much. In fact, I should probably delete this paragraph… but I don’t have the energy. Well, I should at least stop typing it, and making it longer.

Today is the anniversary of the day that Andrea proposed marriage. (In your face, everybody who’s not married to Andrea!) We may or may not celebrate. We don’t really care to celebrate things like that, usually, and yet, for some reason, I feel like celebrating. We’ll see what happens.

This post is feeling more and more disjointed with every word that I type.

I’ve still been playing with Ubuntu. I’ve got it installed on my laptop, and use it almost exclusively when I’m at home, instead of Windows. (And yet I still haven’t installed it on the home computer; just my work laptop.) Saturday I discovered a great tool called recordmydesktop, which allows you to take videos of your desktop session. I had played with this before, to try and do a quick video of what Beryl was like, but it was so complicated that I eventually gave up. So I was amazed at how simple recordmydesktop worked. I’ll probably revisit my idea, and do a quick video of Compiz Fusion in action.

More [probably disjointed] thoughts to come, as I feel like posting them.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Bridget Grey’s Letter to Hip Hop

Andrea sent this to me, and I enjoyed it. Hopefully you will too.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Post Pourri

Many thanks to an anonymous commenter for the suggestion of using the term “post pourri”. Although… anyone who comments anonymously must be a coward. So I take it back—no thanks to you, whoever you are! I plan to claim the idea as my own.

I know that I haven’t been posting lately. I’ve been very busy, and not with things that are worth writing about. I haven’t even posted to the Bible Blog in a while, which is unusual for me—for the most part I’ve been managing to post there regularly, even if I haven’t been posting here.

My bladder problems are still ongoing, from the last time I wrote about it. I’ve stopped taking the “pee pills” that the doctor prescribed, because of a side effect which has begun to happen. He told me that it’s not a big deal if I stop taking them—it’s just a “lifestyle drug”—so I didn’t feel bad for stopping. Hopefully the side effect will go away, soon.

I’ve decided that I’m not a good cook. I’d had some good results, for some things that I made, but I think those were exceptions, rather than the rule, because everything I’ve cooked lately has turned out terribly, in one way or another. (e.g. the stew that I tried to cook recently.) We bought some lamb kebobs the other day, and I tried cooking those, but the problem is that you have to broil them, and I’ve never used the broiler feature on my oven. So they burned. (Not terribly, but a bit. They were harder than they should have been, although they still tasted okay.) I’m making waffles on a regular basis these days, and they’re turning out okay, although still not perfect. (I think I have an issue because I’m using 2% milk, instead of skim milk, which the recipe calls for; I had better results when I used skim milk.) So, because my cooking skills are somewhat lacking, I get nervous every time we have chicken because, hey, when you’re not a good cook, chicken isn’t something you want to mess around with…

I’m thinking about changing my blog template, slightly. The issue is that I have it set to take up the whole screen, in terms of width, but that’s not a good idea for people who are reading this on a widescreen monitor. (It’s hard to read text that stretches too far horizontally—which is why so many blog templates have such narrow bands of text.) So I might make it narrower, when I find the time. Unfortunately, I don’t think CSS will let me be as precise as saying “the width of the screen or X pixels wide, whichever is smaller”. So I’ll be stuck doing what every other blog template does: have a lot of wasted space.

And that’s it. The next time I think of something to write—and actually have the time to do it—I’ll do so. Until then… um… don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Google Docs. Yes, again.

I found some articles on Google Docs, that you might find interesting.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

A is A

A friend dragged me out to the bar Friday night, to see a band that she likes. Actually, I’m just kidding, she didn’t have to drag me. She just caught me on a good night. But the band she brought me to see is called A is A. (I’m no expert on the band, but I think the photo currently showing on that web site is out of date. I don’t think all of the people shown are still in the band.)

I don’t really have anything to say about it, though. I had a good time, and really enjoyed seeing the band. They’re pretty durned talented, and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. (If I knew how to dance, I probably would have enjoyed myself even more, but frankly, that’s why I learned to play guitar—so I wouldn’t have to dance, at such occasions. Except that my plan only works when I’m playing; when I’m watching someone else play, it doesn’t work so well. Let’s face it folks: Musicians aren’t the smartest people in the world.)

And that’s all I have to say about that. If anyone from A is A ever reads this, I hope that you’re suitably touched: A mediocre, amateur musician is impressed by your talents. What higher praise could there be?

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Google Docs in use

I’ve written numerous posts lately in which I’ve raved about Google Docs, but have I ever actually used the service? I mean, is there any point, when I already have Word and Excel and PowerPoint installed on my machine? Why yes. Yes I have. Let me give you a perfect example of where the service shines:

The other day, a number of us were all working on something at the same time. We had a list of accounts that we had to populate with data, and we were working off of an Excel spreadsheet. “You work on accounts 1–12, and you do 13–24, and I’ll do 24–36…” etc. To make things more difficult, not all of the accounts we were working on needed work to be done, so one person might finish his/her list early, and then we’d have to re-shuffle the remaining accounts. But then I had a brainstorm: Isn’t this exactly where Google Docs would be perfect? We could create a spreadsheet online, and all edit it at the same time! All we had to do was list all of the accounts that hadn’t been done yet, and which ones had. Something like this:

Not Done YetFinished  
 123serna is currently working on:124
  person b is currently working on:125
  person c is currently working on:130
126   
 127  
128   
129   
    
131   
132   
133   

But the key—the really cool part about all of this—is that we were all editing it at the same time. If someone wanted to start working on item 128, they could cut and paste from that cell to another cell, and at the same time it would disappear from all of our screens, and re-appear somewhere else. No need for anyone to save the spreadsheet, and for the rest of us to refresh our screens—it all happened in real-time! There’s no need to be shouting out, “Hey, I’m going to work on number 128, nobody else work on that!” If I want to start working on one of the accounts, any of the ones in the “Not Done Yet” column were fine to work on, because if someone else had done it, I’d see it in the “Finished” column on my screen. (Or, if they were currently working on it, I’d see it to the right of the screen, beside their name.)

It’s a very simple use of the technology, and yet it saved us a lot of time and aggravation.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Home Studio Software

I don’t know if we’ll ever do it, but Andrea and I sort of have a dream of starting our own home studio, once we get the basement finished and soundproofed. Not for professional use, I don’t think, just for our own use. Recording the choir, and that kind of thing.

And I got to thinking: There is an open-source image editing program, called GIMP, which is an alternative to Photoshop, so I wondered if there was a similar open-source product as an alternative to Cubase. And it turns out that there are some. My quick research turned up the following:

  • There is a program called Rosegarden, which runs on Linux, and is directly comparable to Cubase. (When I say “directly comparable” to Cubase, I don’t mean that it can do everything that Cubase can do; I just mean that that’s what they’re aiming for. I’d imagine that Cubase still has a lot of features that Rosegardoen doesn’t have.)
  • There is another program called Ardour, which also runs on Linux. I don’t think—based on very quick research—that it’s directly comparable to Cubase; I think they might have a different approach to some things. But it may or may not be more stable than Rosegarden. (Again, based on very little research.)
  • There is actually a version of Ubuntu, called Ubuntu Studio, which is specifically geared toward—and tuned for—people who create multimedia content, such as audio and video. As mentioned, it’s specifically tuned for this type of activity, but it also comes with appropriate software. (For example, it comes with Ardour.)
Not that I’ll need any of these tools any time soon, but it’s interesting to know that they exist. And if I ever wanted to throw together a quick song, I could download some software and get to work, without having to spend thousands of dollars. Actually, that’s not true; I’d still need things like microphones, and maybe a mixer board. Just the software would be free.

Nothing to say, nothing to write

It’s one of those days when I have some free time, and feel like writing in my blog, but have nothing to say. (These days, having nothing to say actually prevents me from writing here—which didn’t use to be the case!)

My bladder problems are ongoing… sort of. The doctor has put me on some kind of pills that are supposed to relax the bladder, or something. (I know what you’re thinking and no, I haven’t peed my pants. Yet.) After a bit of confusion, they seem to be working. (He put me on the pills because my bladder doesn’t completely empty, when I go—but when I looked at the instructions with the pills, the first thing that was stated is that you shouldn’t take these pills if your bladder doesn’t empty properly! But he confirmed that yes, these really are the pills he wants me to take.)

I’m pretty tired, because I had an all-nighter last Wednesday, as well as an all-nighter on Saturday night, because of a deployment. Plus the fact that last week was pretty lousy, which always tires a person out. But yesterday was pretty quiet, and I’m hoping that means that this entire week will be, too. (I have nothing to base that on, except for hopefulness.)

Monday, March 17, 2008

Please use your imagination to come up with a clever title for this post, because serna doesn’t have the energy

I know, I know, I haven’t posted lately. If I had any readers, they’d be annoyed with me. (Or maybe they’d just miss me.) (Wow, déjà vu! I’m sure I’ve written that—or something very similar—before. Actually, it’s not déjà vu; I’m just not very creative, so I keep writing the same things over and over…)

Let me just say that it was a long, lousy, frustrating week last week. And I’m really hoping and praying that this week won’t be more of the same. But I can’t tell you why, because it’s all work-related, and I’m trying to maintain my policy of not writing about work.

But I do have one piece of good news: I haven’t yet been sued, for my Maya Rudolph post. I did get one instant message, from someone telling me that it was weird, but no lawyers have sent “cease and desist” letters yet.

Oh, actually, one more piece of good news: I got Ubuntu up and running on my new work laptop. And it’s working very well.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Maya Rudolph

Note: If you don’t watch SNL, you might as well skip this post. It’s probably going to feel too inside-joke-ish to you.

Remember way back in March of 2005, when I wrote that I very much admired Maya Rudolph, but that I was too lazy to write a long post about her? No? You didn’t read my blog back then? Oh. Well, that’s unders— What’s that? You say nobody read my blog back then? Now that’s just cruel. You don’t have to be such a jerk about it.

Anyway, it appears that Maya has left Saturday Night Live, which is too bad, because she was my favourite player on the show, by far. I have a feeling she may have been under-rated, because she didn’t steal the show—at least, not when it wasn’t called for—but she is an incredibly talented woman.

But I’m also sad that she’s gone because I had a secret hope that I’d get a chance to host SNL—but host it the week after she’d left. I had some ideas for skits (and some jokes that people might consider meta-jokes) that I could have used. For example, pretend that Beyoncé Knowles was the musical guest; my opening monologue might go something like this:

  • If you’ve seen SNL, you know the drill. As the opening credits are finishing, the camera cuts to the studio stage. The band finishes playing the theme music, and serna comes out, to no applause whatsoever.
  • serna
  • Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! You’re too kind! Thank you!
  • Cut to the audience, who are exceptionally still and quiet. (Not to mention seated.)
  • serna
  • (continuing)
  • No really, thank you! Thank you very much!
  • (starting to clue in)
  • I… uh… I still have three or four more cue cards of this. Hank, can we skip through this part?
  • Cut to cue card guy, who starts quickly discarding cue cards that say things like “Thank you! Thank you very much!” etc. Cut back to serna.
  • serna
  • It’s great to be here, hosting Saturday Night Live! I know that I’m not famous or anything, so there’s no real reason I should be hosting the show. In fact, you guys must be pretty disappointed, eh?
  • Cut to audience, still completely still, and then back to serna
  • serna
  • Ahem. But anyway, it’s always been a dream of mine to host a mediocre variety show, which is deeply in denial of its own imminent demise.
  • (embarrassed)
  • Wait… sorry. Hank, my mistake, that line was from my earlier draft of the monologue. I’d meant to take it out before I actually went on the air. Our cue card guy, Hank, everybody.
  • Cut to cue card guy again.
  • Cue Card Guy
  • My name is Steve.
  • Cut back to serna.
  • serna
  • Oh sorry! Steve.
  • Anyway, it really is a thrill to be hosting the show. I’ve wanted to host the show for years, and all because I wanted to meet one very special, very talented woman. Come on out here!
  • Beyoncé comes on stage, to much applause.
  • serna
  • (as applause dies down)
  • Maya Rudolph, everyone! Maya Rudolph!
  • Beyoncé is surprised; she isn’t quite sure how to handle this.
  • Beyoncé
  • I’m not Maya, I’m Beyoncé Knowles.
  • serna
  • (pleased as punch)
  • I know! You look just like her!
  • Beyoncé
  • No, I really am Beyoncé.
  • serna
  • (disappointed)
  • Oh.
  • (trying to pull it together / fake enthusiasm)
  • Well… Beyoncé Knowles, everyone! The inspiration for one of Maya’s best imitations! But, um…
  • (aside, to Beyoncé)
  • Where’s Maya?
  • Beyoncé
  • (breaking it to him gently)
  • I’m sorry, serna, but Maya has left the show.
  • serna
  • (trying to take it as a joke, but afraid that she might not be joking)
  • Haha! Ha! Good one Beyoncé Knowles. No, but really, can you bring Maya out?
  • (getting more desperate)
  • Beyoncé? Lorne? Hank?
  • Offstage voice: “It’s Steve!” (Note to self: This joke would probably be cut, to make the script tighter. Maybe the whole cue card guy thing would be cut altogether.)
  • Various SNL cast members come on stage, to comfort serna. And maybe, just maybe, to find some peace themselves, in this troubled time.
  • Fred Armison
  • We’re all going to miss her, serna. Our cast is like a family; losing Maya is like losing a sister. A really hot sister. A sister that I wouldn’t have, you know, minded, if she’d come into my dressing room and started kissing me.
  • serna
  • Isn’t she married?
  • Fred Armison
  • Look, the point is, we’re going to miss her.
  • Amy Poehler
  • That’s right, serna. We really will.
  • (aside, to Fred)
  • And sometimes she did come into my dressing room, and start kissing me.
  • Fred looks surprised, and Seth Meyers looks like he wants to hear more. (I don’t know how one looks like one wants to hear more, but he’ll have to try…)
  • Amy
  • But even though Maya is gone, we still have many good shows ahead of us! There’s all kinds of talented people on the staff!
  • serna
  • Really? Name one.
  • Amy
  • (a bit taken aback)
  • Oh! Uh… well, there’s the other female cast members. Some of whom used to work with Maya on a regular basis, and whom the audience might find attractive. (flicks hair) Cute, one might say. Or perky. What about them?
  • serna
  • (still dejected)
  • No. They’re not nearly as good as Maya.
  • Amy
  • (as only Amy Poehler could deliver a line like this (in fact, she’d probably rewrite it))
  • Oh. Yes. I see. No, we’re not as good, are we?
  • serna
  • (forlorn. or maybe despondent. yeah, despondent is better.)
  • It’s hopeless! Maya’s gone, and the show is ruined! How can we possibly go on now?!?
  • To great applause, a big celebrity (and friend of the show) comes on stage. I’m guessing Steve Martin. Or Mike Myers? Or maybe Chevy Chase…
  • Celebrity Guest
  • Now serna, don’t be like that!
  • serna
  • Steve Martin! (Or Mike Myers, or Chevy Chase, or whoever) What are you doing here?
  • Celebrity Guest
  • I’m here to tell you that the show can go on, even when it loses a valuable cast member. For you see…
  • Large musical number here, which serna would need help writing, because he’s not much of a one for writing large musical numbers. Actually, someone else should probably write it.
  • Celebrity Host
  • So do you see serna?
  • serna
  • Yeah [celebrity host]! I do see!
  • Celebrity Host
  • And do you think we can do a great show, even without Maya Rudolph?
  • serna
  • Well… No, not really. But we’re all here, so we have to so something, right gang?
  • Rest of the Cast
  • (all together)
  • Yeah! Right! You bet! Jerkass! We can do it!
  • serna
  • (to audience/camera)
  • We have a great… ish… show, everyone! Beyoncé Knowles is here! (large applause) Stick around, we’ll be right back!
  • Cut to… oh, let’s say a commercial parody.
I don’t know if anyone uses the phrase “pleased as punch” in the 21st Century, but it doesn’t matter, it’s just a stage direction.

Obviously, in order to do a sketch like this, the rest of the cast would have to buy into it, and be cool about it. It’s very cruel to them, even though they’re all very talented. But we’d have to play it like I think they’re lousy, in comparison to Maya.

But once we’d opened the show like that, it would open us up to other possibilities for sketches, that could build on the theme. For example…
  • INT: A college dormitory common area. serna, Seth Meyers, and Kenan Thompson are sitting around.
  • Seth
  • Dude, can you believe that game? You played terribly!
  • He and serna laugh.
  • Kenan
  • Maybe so, but you cheerleaders weren’t exactly on your game, either!
  • Seth
  • (defensive)
  • We were breaking in some new girls! Sometimes it takes a few weeks for them to feel comfortable…
  • Voice from the Control Room
  • serna, can you come to the control room for a minute?
  • serna
  • Uh… but we’re in the middle of a sketch.
  • Voice from the Control Room
  • We have a surprise for you.
  • serna’s eyes light up
  • serna
  • Maya!
  • serna runs off stage, presumably toward the control room.
  • Seth and Kenan are at a loss; now what are they supposed to do?
  • Seth
  • Can you believe that?
  • Kenan
  • What are you going to do. He’s not a real actor; you can’t expect professionalism from him.
  • They sit around for a few more moments.
  • Kenan
  • So… you wanna get drunk?
  • Seth
  • I already am.
  • Cut to serna, making his way into the control room. Lorne Michaels is there, and so is someone with her back to the camera. (We’d have to figure out how to stage this, so that it wouldn’t look silly…)
  • serna
  • Hey Lorne! What’s up?
  • Lorne
  • It’s “Mr. Michaels.” I wish you’d remember that.
  • serna
  • Sorry! Mr. Michaels. What’s going on?
  • Lorne
  • I have someone here that you might like to meet.
  • Woman turns around; it’s Oprah Winfrey.
  • Oprah
  • (waits for applause to die down)
  • Hi serna.
  • serna
  • Maya! It’s you!
  • Oprah
  • (annoyed)
  • No, serna, it’s me. Oprah Winfrey. Lorne thought I could talk with you about your Maya issues, and maybe help you continue with the show.
  • serna
  • (disappointed)
  • Oh. Well… thanks, Oprah, but that’s okay. I’ll be alright.
  • Mr. Michaels, I’m just going to go to my dressing room, and get ready for my next sketch.
  • Lorne
  • We didn’t give you a dressing room. You’re not a celebrity.
  • serna
  • Right, sorry, I mean the men’s room on the third floor.
  • (as he heads out the door)
  • I hope nobody stole my wallet. I’ll need bus fare to get home after the show…
  • Scene ends with some kind of awkward dialogue between Lorne and Oprah, which serna hasn’t written yet, because he doesn’t have a team of writers helping him with this.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But serna, that’s just the same premise that you used in the opening monologue! What, do you only have one joke that you recycle in every sketch?” But having done the joke twice, it sets us up for this sketch…
  • INT: Wherever it is in the NBC studio where the cast and union members might grab a quick snack, between sketches. serna is grabbing something off of the snack table, and Maya Rudolph approaches.
  • Maya
  • (waiting for applause to die down)
  • Hi serna. How’s the show going so far?
  • serna
  • (barely registering her presence)
  • Oh, hi Whitney. It’s alright, I guess.
  • Maya
  • Whitney?!? It’s me, Maya!
  • serna
  • (still not overly interested in the conversation)
  • Look, Ms. Houston, I appreciate you coming here to try and cheer me up, but I can tell it’s you. You don’t even look like her! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get dressed for the next sketch.
  • serna leaves the scene, leaving Maya dumbfounded.
Surely you can see the potential for comedy gold! (I’m also foreseeing a sketch when I suddenly seem to have forgotten my lines, and I call out “line!” To which Steve the cue card guy says, “Not until you remember my name!” But it would have to be worked into a sketch that could have its flow interrupted like that, which isn’t really likely.)

But now it’s too late. (Even if they called me today, and asked me to host the March 16th show, it would be too late; TV audiences are fickle, and they’d have forgotten Maya by then.)

Incidentally, this post is just me goofing off. I’m not secretly hoping that SNL will be impressed with me, and ask me to host the show. (Neither do I think that I have amazing talent as a comedy writer.) I am, however, not-so-secretly hoping that I won’t get sued for this. I don’t know what in this post would be actionable, but I’m betting that the lawyers could find some reason…

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Wikipedia—again!

Try to contain your surprise: serna is writing about Wikipedia again. (Even though I just obsessively mentioned them, again, in my post on Wikinomics on the Book Blog.) Except that this time it’s not about the site itself; it almost feels more like gossip. I read this post on Wired today, and wasn’t sure how to take it. Does this add fuel to the fire, in my negative feelings about Wikipedia? Or—as I’m sort of leaning toward—does it have nothing to do with it? Definitely, the personal problems of the guy who leads the company have nothing to do with my problems with Wikipedia, although the way that Marsden got her entry changed might.

But one ray of hope is that if Wales leaves—although there is no indication that he would—then maybe Wikipedia might start to change their direction a bit. Why would they possibly want to alter their methodology, a wee bit? If you haven’t been keeping track, here are some issues that Wikipedia has—which may or may not outweigh the advantages that Wikipedia has:

Wait a minute… I’m writing a post about something that I write about on a regular basis, and quoting my post about Wikinomics on the Book Blog? Why do I have a sense of déjà vu?

“Dear Hollywood Studios: Let My Video Go”

Recently I wrote a rant about how NBC just doesn’t “get it’’ when it comes to distributing content online. And then, in my Book Blog, when I wrote about the book Wikinomics, I mentioned the fact that record companies don’t “get it’’ when it comes to distributing content either.

Today I read an opinion piece on Wired along the same lines: Dear Hollywood Studios: Let My Video Go.

Monday, March 03, 2008

zombieferna

This is another pot pourri post. Sorry for that, but I can’t focus my brain well enough to concentrate on putting together a coherent post.

We had a deployment Saturday night/Sunday morning. It failed. So we got a couple of hours of sleep, had a conference call to discuss it, and decided to try again Sunday night. Which we did. So right now, I’m very tired.

I went to the doctor today, to discuss my recent health issues. He no longer thinks the issue is with my prostate, so he’s taken me off of the pills. He’s given me a new set of pills, which are supposed to relax the bladder, and if that doesn’t work, then we’ll just give up. It’s not a huge issue anyway; if my bladder isn’t completely emptying, it’s not going to cause any great harm. (Except an increased risk of future bladder infections—which is what started this all in the first place.)

Incidentally, I know you’ve all missed reading about my bladder, for the last month or so. So now that I’ve written about it again, let me just say, from the bottom of my heart: You’re welcome.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it before, but I love the new Amy Winehouse CD, Back to Black. (Well, it’s probably not considered “new” anymore, but I’ll keep calling it “new” until I have a newer one.) She’s a great singer, and the album was also put together very well. I spent a few minutes on YouTube today, watching some of the videos.

Speaking of time I spent today on excellent media, I also spent some time on the Jehovah Shalom website, listening to some of our music. (And it’s great, let me tell you.) I’m thinking—since Andrea and I maintain that site—that it might be a good idea to upload our MP3 files to the Internet Archive, and just linking to it from the JS website, instead of taking up our own web server storage space with the files.

This was prompted by the work I’m doing on my church’s website, since I’ll probably be putting our sermons online, too. (Not that I’ve started the web site, yet; I’ve just given my pastor some samples that he can look at, to provide feedback.) I think I’ll be using Wordpress for the site, but there’s one thing about Wordpress that really annoys me: It won’t let me use certain HTML elements. That means that I can’t do things like put a Google map on the site, or embed audio from the Internet Archive, etc.