Wednesday, February 06, 2008

It wasn’t as bad as I’d feared—but I don’t recommend it.

So I had the cystoscopy.

Warning: This post will talk about the cystosopy. Most people will probably not want to read these graphic details about serna’s insides. Therefore, I will put a few paragraphs of Lorem Ipsum first; those of you who really want to read about this can skip the italicized paragraphs, and those of you who don’t want to read about this won’t have to accidentally see any of the details. (If you have a really big screen, and can see the non-italicized paragraphs even without scrolling, then just try to avert your gaze.)

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, ligula in ut leo non. Elit ipsum, sem lobortis sit malesuada id dignissim a, vulputate at bibendum ultricies in. Maecenas sollicitudin praesent et et, leo egestas eget vitae neque lacus iaculis, vel ipsum turpis erat nec etiam donec. Vestibulum penatibus nulla quisque, dolor nunc dolor vel diam mattis, primis vestibulum dui commodo, conubia varius dolor eu, sodales mauris. Reprehenderit erat ultricies habitasse habitant vel et, non eu fringilla. Et lectus. Urna vestibulum nunc nonummy quis fames dictumst, mauris conubia mauris luctus nulla praesent massa.

Felis vel eget risus dui sed, aliquet eget molestie dictumst sit ipsum sed. Aliquam tellus mi condimentum orci eu, wisi tellus egestas wisi augue quam, id turpis ante semper sagittis, ut diam dui justo, tempor in amet tempus semper. Aptent in. Diam egestas eget in, semper dignissim, ac ultricies lorem, feugiat turpis, officia rutrum tempor nulla ac orci nisl. Eget donec porta risus viverra tellus, dolor pulvinar nunc arcu pharetra, id magna fermentum. Vestibulum vitae in non mi leo, vitae amet justo dapibus sed sodales praesent, nec wisi in elit augue imperdiet mollis, dolor vel scelerisque non magna dignissim. Accumsan hymenaeos metus vestibulum felis per et. Vel nulla augue eleifend vivamus purus, sodales mollis erat viverra, a sagittis sodales quam in atque in, maecenas at a ut non. Amet at id vel, sit lectus tempus maecenas fermentum euismod. Ligula pellentesque lacus laoreet. Cursus pharetra, eget ullamcorper est posuere gravida.

Non malesuada magna ut vel tristique consectetuer, ullamcorper tortor viverra aliquam lacus pretium. Accumsan adipiscing velit ut pharetra placerat pellentesque, pulvinar eros quis in tortor sed aliquam. Dapibus non diam quam, in nonummy interdum. Scelerisque sodales aenean, sodales consectetuer mus, a gravida erat pede consectetuer. Pulvinar vulputate dui lacus hymenaeos. Lobortis id aliquet justo suscipit odio, sagittis molestie nec proin nec libero, orci cum mi elit, magnis arcu erat in proin rutrum, adipiscing orci nec massa fermentum ut. A dignissim vitae dolor tristique, scelerisque tempor natoque dolor, et officia leo semper est sed odio, libero duis nullam sapien ac nulla. Cras ut imperdiet morbi pede, in ac donec vestibulum a cras, nulla nam inventore nec, commodo cursus sit. Odio aliquam felis arcu sit arcu, ac mi id nullam vivamus maecenas placerat, wisi nibh placerat, accumsan dolor donec sit est, sunt metus a consectetuer aliquam mauris. Vivamus netus ullamcorper a maecenas arcu, id mauris viverra curabitur cras non pellentesque. Velit pede integer. At interdum sed, posuere sed in ipsum purus, aliquam nulla.

Diam quis vivamus sollicitudin. Unde ultricies porta porttitor, fermentum mauris nulla vel, neque sollicitudin ac mauris, lorem cum eu, nunc lobortis sed in condimentum. Eget dolor quam euismod malesuada, diam et duis fusce, ipsum odio orci euismod, aenean libero nisl conubia praesent, praesent pede donec. Molestie dignissim auctor laoreet, rutrum aliquam porttitor ut, metus tortor, ullamcorper hendrerit aliquam conubia, vestibulum vivamus in id nec orci scelerisque. Scelerisque tempus sodales nunc, vehicula placerat ligula. Erat alias duis, massa platea maecenas enim. Facilisis ut non tempus commodo eros diam, non nullam penatibus. Aenean augue quis eleifend tincidunt, mi ut commodo vel, consectetuer ultrices pulvinar, harum a arcu aute et praesent sed. Consectetuer arcu ut eget pharetra, sem nostra quam nulla at. Commodo in orci, tincidunt imperdiet adipiscing eu nec pellentesque, fermentum vel mauris nec urna erat in, egestas nulla donec sit. In mus ultrices ut erat, varius id, adipiscing amet eu felis nostra porttitor id, fames eu a magna, lacus mauris sem accumsan et etiam molestie. Aliquam sagittis curabitur rutrum, eu hac nec in quis.

There. Now let’s get to the good stuff!

After disrobing, and putting on the usual hospital gown, I was lain on a table, while a female nurse laid out all of the implements. When I saw the actual scope, I did my best not to think about it.

She then left the room, and a male nurse entered, and pulled up the gown, to clean me. I don’t know what kind of liquid he was using, but it wasn’t alcohol, luckily, because it didn’t burn. After he’d cleaned me, he got out a special piece of material that covered my body, with a hole in the middle, for my groin. He then picked up something that looked like a very small turkey baster. “Hmm,” I thought, “I wonder what he’s going to do with th— Yelp!” Without warning, he stuck it into the end of my penis, and filled it up with some kind of liquid. This was the freezing, so that I wouldn’t feel the scope so much. In terms of pain, this was the worst part of the procedure, because, of course, I wasn’t frozen yet. He then left the room, and left me alone with my thoughts for a few minutes.

While I was there alone, I was hoping that there would be some noticeable difference, so that I’d be able to tell that the anaesthetic was working, but there wasn’t any noticeable difference. I had a secret fear that it wouldn’t work, and the doctor would jam the scope in and I’d cry like a little girl. (Actually, I feared that I’d cry even if the freezing did work.)

The doctor came in, and I asked him a question that I should have thought to ask when he scheduled this procedure in the first place: The main thing he was going to look for in my bladder was scar tissue. What if he found some? What would happen? He gave me an answer that I didn’t like, which is that he’d have to put me under, and go in there and cut it out. If I heard him correctly—I may not have, because I wasn’t really at the top of my game—he had a special scope he could use, that had a knife on it, to go in there and get it. I sort of wish I hadn’t asked. (Spoiler alert: There was no scar tissue. Or at least, none worth worrying about.)

And with that, he got to work, and started feeding the scope in. It’s a very strange sensation; because of the freezing, there isn’t really any pain—or not much pain, anyway—but it is very, very uncomfortable. He asked me to relax, and I think I made a superhuman effort to do so, but the fact is, the scope is going the wrong way up that tube, and your body’s reaction is to try and push it back out from whence it came. A couple of times, when it would get to certain junctures, my body would seize up, and I’d have to force myself to relax again. The monitor was beside me, so I could watch the camera’s progress, but I didn’t want to; I just wanted to force myself to relax.

Once the camera got into my bladder—which, really, didn’t take that long at all—it was much easier to handle. I was able to look at the monitor, to see the inside of my bladder, which was interesting. (How many people get to see inside their own bladders? Not many, I bet.) But as he was moving the camera around, I could feel the scope moving around, and occasionally, it would get very uncomfortable again, and I would seize up again.

He showed me the places where the two tubes from my kidneys enter, and he said that they looked a little strange, but that would be a result of the bilateral re-implant I’d had, when I was younger. Nothing to worry about. As mentioned, there was a bit of scar tissue, but again, nothing to worry about, and nothing that he needed to take care of.

When he pulled the tube out, I almost didn’t even notice it. It still felt like it was in there. (In fact, for the rest of the day, and into the night, I occasionally got ghost feelings, of the thing being in there.) He decided that the issues I have with my bladder not emptying properly are probably a result of my prostate. I’m too young to be having these prostate issues, but apparently I do. (Then again, every step along the way seems to be trial and error, so maybe it till turn out to have nothing to do with my prostate.) He prescribed me some medication, which, as I say, is usually only prescribed to older men, which is supposed to help my prostate. There are some strange side effects that the medication can cause, but nothing serious.

And that’s where things lie right now. The pills aren’t supposed to take effect for a couple of days, but in a few weeks or so, I’ll get another appointment with the urologist, so that he can see if it’s making a difference, and my bladder is emptying properly.


Anonymous said...

I wish I hadn't read that. Ghost feelings are transferable, apparently. Nearing the end though, I scrolled a little too far down and saw Colbert and Stewart standing there and immediately watched the video. I never finished this post.